I was jotting down all the things I’ve said I am going to
do. All my past, present, and future plans, goals, accomplishments, etc. (and
if you know me, I have some pretty extreme desires for my future). As I was doing this I remembered
someone being angry at me and telling me that they were unrealistic. I thought.. what
a mean jerk.
BUT… it’s true.
My goals, dreams, and desired accomplishments
seem unrealistic…
to the average person, that is. (Ha!)
The root to all I desire to accomplish comes back to my
blessing in disguise:
a broken heart.
I was in a relationship in which I wanted more (marriage,
blah blah). I didn’t take the relationship for what it was. I just wanted more.
He reached his limit and chose to walk away. I chose to sit and wait. (I
literally sat at his front door and waited.) I’ve been sitting and waiting for
about 2 years now. People have sat with me and have tried pulling me up to walk
with them. I’ve gotten up to my knees (a few times and maybe had one foot ready
to get up) but I’ve gotten so comfortable in my sitting position and I’ve just
sat back down. I have had a desire in my heart for this man to love me again
and I’ve hurt many that have wanted me to walk next to them. I’ve been selfish
and careless toward some of the tender hearts that have offered their pure
love. But still, I chose to wait (for what he once told me) “a silly illusion
that will never come true”. I heard it from his very mouth and I still chose to
sit and wait… I convinced myself that if I loved him strongly enough he would
feel it and maybe it would all work out. It only pushed him further away but I
didn’t care.
What had I chosen to do while I waited? What had I chosen to
distract me from this unrealistic desire in my heart? I created even more
“unrealistic desires” because if the crazier desires are attainable, then that
desire of love has got to be possible, right? Some of the desires I have
accomplished have been the ones within my sitting position’s reach. But there
are many more beautiful ones waiting in my stack of desires.
When I was going through my Yoga teacher training, I had a
hard time teaching. I am extremely shy! I get so scared when I am the center of
attention I even get teary eyed and I just freeze up. I felt I couldn’t grasp
the concept of teaching Yoga, for this reason. I was so frustrated. I was
helping my dad in the garage one day and he asked me how my training was going
and I said, Dad I can’t do it. I don’t think my brain has the capability of
teaching. My dad is kind of the shiz and so a lot of the things he says, I have
engraved in the walls of my brain… and he said to me, Giddi anything and
everything you want to do, you can do. There is nothing in the world you’re not
capable of doing… Another time, I was having a very rough emotional time due to
that love I mentioned earlier, and I was talking to my dad and I was begging my
dad to hypnotize me so that I was no longer in love with this man because it
just hurt sooo much. And he said, I will not do that, you put that love there
you can control it. There is nothing in the world you’re not capable of doing…
I don’t forget it anymore. Ever. My sweet angel mother constantly reminded me
that I am the Creator’s greatest creation, His daughter, a princess of the
almighty King. He created me as he is. Put two and two together and ta da! My unrealistic
goals are actually very realistic! I am a freakin’ goddess, I am freakin’
almighty and I can and will do ALL I desire to. (It’s my mom and dad’s fault.)
That one desire of love that some would have me believe is a curse
has been a blessing. That very love if anything, has opened my heart up to so many
more desires….
I gained another desire. It’s the desire to stand up. I am
tired of hurting people and watching them walk away in pain because of me and
my surreal desire. I don’t want to sit back, comfortably and do nothing about
the pain I cause. I am choosing to stand up and I am going to walk. At this
moment I do not know what direction I want to go but for now standing up is
kind of a big deal and I’ll for sure need help staying up (cuz I probably
forgot how to walk).
And here’s the current song of my heart…
Ray LaMontagne – Empty
Peace, Love, Stay away from plastic...
